The Sorted Dad

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The Mental Load of Being a Dad: What It Is and How to Lighten It

Dads carry more mental load than ever — but it’s rarely talked about. Here’s what the mental load looks like for modern fathers, and 10 ways to ease the pressure without burning out.

The Sorted Dad
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“Did you remember the swimming kit?”
“Don’t forget the MOT is due.”
“We’re low on Calpol and oat milk.”

Sound familiar?

Welcome to the mental load — that invisible weight you carry in your head, keeping track of every appointment, permission slip, bedtime routine, shopping list, and ‘dad stuff’ that somehow always seems to land on your plate.

And while mums have rightly been recognised for decades for shouldering the mental load, more and more dads are now feeling it too — and struggling in silence.

Here’s what the mental load means for modern fathers, and what we can do to lighten it.

🧠 What is the mental load?

The mental load is all the unseen, unending thinking and planning involved in running a household or raising kids. It’s not just doing tasks — it’s the constant anticipation of needs.

For dads, that might include:

  • Keeping track of nursery/school days and events
  • Remembering who likes what snack and who’s allergic to strawberries
  • Managing work stress while planning dinner and paying the car tax
  • Anticipating toddler meltdowns, partner burnout, or the boiler acting up

You might not always do the tasks — but if you’re the one remembering, tracking, and planning them, that’s the load.

👨‍👧 Why it’s hitting modern dads harder

Many dads today are more involved than previous generations — and that’s brilliant. But with greater involvement comes a new layer of emotional responsibility that most of us weren’t taught how to carry.

We’re trying to:

  • Be present and patient parents
  • Support our partners emotionally
  • Stay financially stable
  • Progress in demanding careers
  • “Find time for ourselves” (when?)

The result? Mental overload — and often, guilt that we still feel like we’re not doing enough.

⚠️ Signs you’re carrying too much

Not sure if you’re overloaded? These are common signs:

  • Snapping over small things
  • Forgetting stuff that normally feels easy
  • Struggling to sleep or waking up wired
  • Constant background stress
  • Feeling disconnected, numb, or flat

You might tell yourself: “This is just parent life.” But if you’re always at capacity, something needs to change.

🔟 Ways to Lighten the Mental Load

1. Write it down — all of it

Get it out of your head. Use a notes app, whiteboard, or shared calendar. The goal? Move it from mental tabs to shared knowledge.

Seeing it written down helps you realise just how much you’re carrying — and where you can get help.

2. Split the thinking, not just the doing

It’s not enough to split chores 50/50 if you’re still managing the whole process. Share ownership of things like meals, routines, or birthday planning — not just the task list.

3. Use shared tools and reminders

Google Calendar, Trello, a fridge whiteboard — whatever works. Get your partner, co-parents, or older kids involved. These tools help turn mental tasks into team tasks.

4. Have a weekly “reset” with your partner

A 15-minute sit-down each week to look at:

  • Who’s doing what?
  • What’s stressing either of you out?
  • What could shift to lighten the week?

It stops assumptions, arguments, and accidental overload.

5. Give yourself a mental buffer

Block 10–15 minutes between tasks — even if it’s just a walk, a tea, or a scroll in the loo. Constant switching burns your brain. You need margin to reset.

6. Don’t be the ‘default parent’ by accident

If you’re always the one contacted by school, nursery, or family, ask yourself why. It’s OK to share that load or redirect it.

This goes for emotional labour too — you can care deeply without being everyone’s fixer.

7. Outsource where you can

You don’t have to do it all. Can you:

  • Get groceries delivered?
  • Batch-cook twice a week?
  • Set up subscriptions for nappies or wipes?

Saving 10–15 decisions a week adds up.

8. Talk about it with other dads

Most dads don’t talk about the mental load. That makes it lonelier. But when we do, we often find the same frustrations, wins, and small solutions. You’re not the only one juggling flaming responsibilities.

9. Cut the mental clutter

Is your to-do list full of things you “should” do, but don’t need to? Delete them. Prioritise what actually moves the needle: health, connection, rest.

10. Redefine what “being a good dad” looks like

You don’t have to be the perfect dad, partner, worker, or man. The best dads are the ones who show up, stay curious, and adapt when things get messy.

Let go of being the hero. Be present instead.

Final Thoughts from The Sorted Dad

If you feel mentally maxed out — it’s not just you. And it’s not weakness. It’s the quiet cost of caring deeply and doing too much without a break.

The good news? Lightening the load doesn’t mean doing less for your family. It means making space for what matters — and for you to be well, too.

You’re not alone. You’re doing better than you think. And you’re allowed to find this hard.

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